Thursday, February 24, 2011

Well....I thought I was ready

Let's was only about three months ago when I made my first blog post and ended it with this big promise of "here it comes....I'm ready."   Sometimes parts of us are ready, when other parts aren't rarin' to go. 

I suppose the biggest reason I haven't posted anything is the same as before the first post -- not sure what to write about, fear of criticism, what's the purpose of the blog -- all that stuff and maybe more.

One day before Christmas a year ago, I got up in the middle of the night and ventured out to the living room.  My two faithful companions George and Grace, quietly followed from the bedroom leaving my partner, Craige, deep in a sound sleep as he usually is in the middle of the night.  I wondered out into the sky-light moon lit room doing my best to avoid thigh-high couch corners and coffee table-top edges that often attack my knees.

I plugged in the Christmas tree lights and settled in with my babies -- hoping to find answers.  I grabbed a red spiral notebook, its "spiral part" filled with signs of torn out pages, and looked for a wise pen -- one that would give me answers.

Well...shortly after my first blog post in late November, and about a year since that pre-Christmas night, I found that journal entry.  It too, had been ripped from it's original spiral home -- it had moved in with some other pages of a green spiral notebook -- just living between some other pages, like it was just there temporarily.

12/19/09  3:10 a.m.
Chronic cough, sleepless nights, achy joints, hands, feet, knees, arms, over weight, confused, without direction, aimless, stressed, saddened by family, out of work since early September.  No health care, can't fit into clothes -- they're all worn out anyway.  Christmas tree lights glow softly in the dark with candle burning.  Grace and George --the faithful -- up with me always day or night.  So many years, so little change.  Mom and Dad didn't end up the way they'd hoped or at least the way I'd hoped they would be at this time in their lives.  I suppose they feel the same about me.  Why is Christmas the way it is?  Working or's just a big stress.  Less a stress now -- it just comes and goes like everything else.  Except for the outside influence of the mostly nameless, I'd probably never know that it came and went.  At least Craige puts up the Christmas tree and in the darkness, its simplicity warms the room and gives my heart some warm respite.

Well, one day not long after that night, while I was waitin' on somebody to knock on my front door and tell me where my life was headed -- I heard a voice from within say "What are you waiting for?"