Thursday, February 24, 2011

Well....I thought I was ready

Let's was only about three months ago when I made my first blog post and ended it with this big promise of "here it comes....I'm ready."   Sometimes parts of us are ready, when other parts aren't rarin' to go. 

I suppose the biggest reason I haven't posted anything is the same as before the first post -- not sure what to write about, fear of criticism, what's the purpose of the blog -- all that stuff and maybe more.

One day before Christmas a year ago, I got up in the middle of the night and ventured out to the living room.  My two faithful companions George and Grace, quietly followed from the bedroom leaving my partner, Craige, deep in a sound sleep as he usually is in the middle of the night.  I wondered out into the sky-light moon lit room doing my best to avoid thigh-high couch corners and coffee table-top edges that often attack my knees.

I plugged in the Christmas tree lights and settled in with my babies -- hoping to find answers.  I grabbed a red spiral notebook, its "spiral part" filled with signs of torn out pages, and looked for a wise pen -- one that would give me answers.

Well...shortly after my first blog post in late November, and about a year since that pre-Christmas night, I found that journal entry.  It too, had been ripped from it's original spiral home -- it had moved in with some other pages of a green spiral notebook -- just living between some other pages, like it was just there temporarily.

12/19/09  3:10 a.m.
Chronic cough, sleepless nights, achy joints, hands, feet, knees, arms, over weight, confused, without direction, aimless, stressed, saddened by family, out of work since early September.  No health care, can't fit into clothes -- they're all worn out anyway.  Christmas tree lights glow softly in the dark with candle burning.  Grace and George --the faithful -- up with me always day or night.  So many years, so little change.  Mom and Dad didn't end up the way they'd hoped or at least the way I'd hoped they would be at this time in their lives.  I suppose they feel the same about me.  Why is Christmas the way it is?  Working or's just a big stress.  Less a stress now -- it just comes and goes like everything else.  Except for the outside influence of the mostly nameless, I'd probably never know that it came and went.  At least Craige puts up the Christmas tree and in the darkness, its simplicity warms the room and gives my heart some warm respite.

Well, one day not long after that night, while I was waitin' on somebody to knock on my front door and tell me where my life was headed -- I heard a voice from within say "What are you waiting for?"


  1. At first, writing a blog seems silly, talking to ghosts of your own mind. But you will, if you persist, find your voice, and surprisingly, people who are interested in what you have to say. See? you have 2 already! Glad you finally started.!

  2. I smell a rose! Loved reading your posts. I slipped out of bed before dawn followed by my two companions, Abby and Grace, and found a kindred spirit trying to find his way through a darkened world. You have so much to offer. I'm adding you to my reader and waiting for your next post! I read a lot of blogs. Some of them speak to me more than others. You come across very real and personable--human! - a difficult thing to accomplish in cyberspace I think. Also, I wanted to share a poem with you that I'm going to be using in a future post - it's about a thorn...

    I took the gift from out of His hand, but as I would depart; I cried, 'But Lord, this is a thorn and it has pierced my heart.

    This is a strange and hurtful gift, which Thou hast given me.' He said, 'My child, I give good gifts and gave My best to thee.'

    I took it home and though at first the cruel thorn hurt sore, As long years past I learned at last to love it more and more.

    I learned He never gives a thorn without this added grace He takes the thorn to pin aside the veil that hides his face."

    by Martha Snell Nicholson

    Thanks for helping me see His face!!!

    In His abundant love,

  3. Keep writing. Dive within, bring back a bit of yourself, and let it go. The cosmos is waiting to find out about you. It longs to hear your song.

  4. Thank you all for your kind words. I am filled with gratitude that you took the time to read what I wrote and responded with such loving sincerity. All four of you are amazing people and that makes hearing from you, incredibly meaningful.
    You are true people of wisdom. Thank you for sharing yourselves with me. Shannon, thank you for your patience and incredible friendship. Sherry, A Feather Adrift was all about wisdom today -- there is no doubt in my mind that God has graced you with wisdom. Allison, I am so very honored by your comments and treasure the poem. I find it SO hard to believe that you are a first year teacher and look forward to hearing all that you have to say. Finally, Claire --- I've been a "closeted" fan of yours for a long time. Thank you for taking time to offer your wisdom, too. You are all extraordinary people and I thank God for sharing you.